I'm not great at making friends, I'm not good at communicating,
I might choose the wrong words to say,
I'm very sensitive about things,
I can cry, I can be mad easily...
I want to win in an arguing, but I can't...
The words I choose probably will backfire on me,
even if the words I chose is making me right, but at the same time it made me wrong...

I want to change somehow, The more that I want to, the more I failed...
I am just a drag, everything about me is wrong...
If I made  mistakes then sorry,
but I'm not really good at talking in person,
I can only say it in a message, comment, note, replies, etc...
I don't know, I'm just afraid if I make the wrong words...
I don't really have a big confidence...
I'm just... shy around people (?)
or somehow scared about people....
I'm not mature enough to live... when I make mistakes, I'm embarrassed to apologize...

(I'm a childish person who always want to win, I hate to lose...
if I lose, I don't want to admit my failure, I don't want to admit that they've won...)

I hate myself...
in reality, I'm just a mistake, a wrong thing... I'm not worth to be alive,
that's how people make me feel...
I'm not great, I'm not even normal...
Even if someone said, "well, everyone makes mistakes, we're just human"....
I admit that is right... but, if someone makes mistakes, somehow its really hard to forgive them... I don't know.
but if I made the mistakes, I don't want to admit it, instead I blame someone else....
I'm very selfish,

I wan't to be someone that can be counted on, someone who can be admired, someone wise, someone that can help, someone wise, someone who can be believed in... but, I'm not that "someone"... no matter how much I try...
I give up easily...

I want to be like ~YuzuruSho for example...
she's wise, she's more mature (yet I'm a couple of hours older than her )... she is someone to be admired... She's not selfish, she thinks for everyone else, yet I'm only thinking for myself...

(sorry for the long unimportant journal, and sorry to make my journal as a place to throw all of problems and stress )